To
whom does my child belong? Is it mine, or the Lord’s? Surely this question
should need no discussion by Christian parents. For do we not recognize, even
before they are born, that they are peculiarly “a heritage from the Lord?” And
when they come into the world, our first duty is to hold them for and offer
them to Him.
Now,
the keeping of this one fact before the mind of a mother will be the best
guiding principle in their training. It is because Christian parents so often
forget whose their children are, that they make such mistake in training them.
I say then to you, mothers, settle it in your minds that your child belongs to
God, and not to you; that you are only stewards for God, holding your children
to nurse them and train them for Him.
*This
same truth was once beautifully expressed by Mr. Darby, brother of J.N.D., to a
Christian mother in Ireland whom he had known from a child. Speaking of her
babe he said to her: “Well, Mary, the Lord has given thee another child. Now He
says to thee what Pharaoh’s daughter said to Moses’ mother, ‘Take this child,
bring it up for Me, and I will give thee thy wages.”
O
mothers, think what “wages” the Lord God, whom ye serve, is able to give, and
will give you in bringing up your child for Him.
Now, any parent, however poor, unlearned, or occupied, can do this, if
only she has the grace of God in her heart, and will take the trouble. A little
child, who has been rightly trained, has unquestioning confidence in its parents.
What father or mother says is to it an end of all controversy; it seeks no
further proof. This influence, wisely used, will be as an atmosphere around the
child’s moral nature, safeguarding and molding all its future life.
I sometimes meet with parents who tell
me that at the age of from 12 to 16 their children have become unmanageable,
and that they have lost their influence over them. I cannot tell you which I
pity most – such children, or such parents. One of the worst signs of our times
is the little respect, which children seem to have for their parents. There are
numbers of boys and girls of from twelve to sixteen years of age, over whom
their parents have little or no control. But how has this come to pass? Did
their children leap all at once from the restraints and barriers of parental
affection and authority? Oh no; it has been the result of the imperceptible
growth of years of insubordination and want of proper discipline – the gradual
loss of parental influence, until they have thrown it off altogether and
resolved to do as they please. Hence the terrible exhibitions we frequently
have of youthful depravity, lawlessness, and rebellion.
“Well, “I think I hear some mother
say, “I feel my responsibility, and long to train my children in the way they
should go, but – how am I to do it?”
First, let us look at the meaning of
the word “train.” It does not mean merely to teach. Some parents seem to have
the notion that all they have to do in training their children aright is to
teach them; so they cram them with religious sentiment and truth, making them
commit to memory the Catechism, large portions of Scripture, many hymns, and so
on. All very good, as far as it goes, but this may all be done without any real
training such as God requires, and such as the hearts of our children need.
Nay, this mere informing the head without interesting or influencing the heart,
frequently drives children off from God and goodness, and makes them hate,
instead of love, everything connected with Christ.
In the early part of my married life,
when my dear husband was traveling very much from place to place, I was
frequently thrown into the houses of religious families for three or four weeks
at a time, and I used to say to myself, “How is it that these children seem
frequently to have a more inveterate dislike for religious things than the
children of worldly people who make no profession?” Subsequent observation and
experience have shown me the reason. It is because such parents inform the head
without training the heart. They teach what they often do not practice
themselves, nor take the trouble to see that their children practice, and the
children see through the hollow theories, and learn to disrespect both their
parents and their religion.
Mother, if you want to train your
child, you must practice what you teach, and you must show him how to practice
it also; you must, at all costs of trouble and care, see that he does it.
Suppose, by way of illustration, that
you have a vine, and that this vine is endowed with reason, and will, and moral
sense. You say to your vinedresser, “Now, I want that vine trained,” – i.e.,
made to grow in a particular way, so that it may bear the largest amount of
fruit. Suppose your vinedresser goes to your vine every morning, and says to
it, “Now, you must let that branch grow in this direction, and that branch grow
in another; you are not to put forth shoots here, nor many tendrils there; you
must not waste your sap in too many leaves,” – and having told is what to do
and how to grow, he leaves it to itself.
This is precisely the way many good
people act toward their children. But lo! The vine grows as it likes – nature
is too strong for mere theory; words will not curb its exuberance nor check its
waywardness. Your vinedresser must do something more effectual than talking. He
must fasten that branch where he wishes it to grow; he must cut away what he
sees to be superfluous; he must lop, and prune, and dress it, if it is to be
trained for beauty and fruitfulness. And just so, mother, if you want your
child to be trained for God and righteousness, you must prune, and curb, and
direct, and lead it in the way in which it should go.
But some mother says, “What a deal of
trouble!” Ah, that is just why many parents fail; they are afraid of trouble.
But, as Mrs. Stowe says, “If you will not take the trouble to train Charlie
when he is a little boy, he will give you a great deal more trouble when he is
a big one.” Many a foolish mother, to spare herself trouble, has left her
children to themselves, and “a child left to himself brings his mother to
shame!” Many parents teach their children in theory the right way, but, by
their negligence and indifference, let them grow in just the opposite.
See that mother seated at some
important piece of work which she is anxious to finish: her three little
children are playing around her – one with his picture book, another with his
horse and cart, and baby with her doll. It is Monday afternoon; and only
yesterday she was giving those children a lesson on the importance of love and
goodwill amongst themselves. That was the teaching; now comes the training.
Presently Charlie gets tired of his pictures, and without asking permission,
takes the horse and cart from his younger brother, whereupon there is a scream,
and presently a fight. Instead of laying aside her work, restoring the rightful
property, explaining to Charlie that it is unjust and unkind to take his
brother’s toys, and to the young one, that he should rather suffer wrong than
scream and fight, she does on with her work, telling Charlie that he is a “very
naughty boy,” and making the very common remark, that she thinks there never
were such troublesome children as hers!
Now, who cannot see the different
effect it would have had on these children if that mother had taken the trouble
to make them realize and confess their faults, and voluntarily exchange the
kiss of reconciliation and brotherly affection? What if it had taken half an
hour of her precious time; would not the gain be greater than that which would
accrue from any other occupation, however important? Mothers, if you want your
children to walk in the way they should go, you must not only teach, you must
be at the trouble to train.
But how is the training to be given?
The first and most important point is to secure obedience. Obedience to
properly constituted authority is the foundation of all moral excellence, not
only in childhood, but, all the way through life. And the secret of a great
deal of the lawlessness of these times, both towards God and man, is that, when
children, these people were never taught to submit to the authority of their
parents; and now you may convince them ever so clearly that it is their duty,
and would be their happiness, to submit to God, but with their unrestrained,
un-subdued wills, which have never been accustomed to submit to anybody, it is
like beginning to break in a wild horse in old age. Well may the prophet
inquire, “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Then may
ye also do good that are accustomed to do evil.”
God has laid it on parents to being
the work of bringing the will into subjection in childhood; and to help us in
doing it, He has put in all children a tendency to obey. Watch any young child,
and you will find that, as a rule, his instincts lead him to submit.
Insubordination is the exception, until this tendency has been trifled with by
those who have the care of him.
Now, how important it is, in right
training, to take advantage of this tendency to obedience, and not on any
account allow it to be weakened by encouraging exceptional rebellion! In order
to do this, you must begin early enough. This is where multitudes of mothers
miss their mark – they begin too late. The great majority of children are
ruined for the formation of character before they are five years old by the
foolish indulgence of mothers.
I am sometimes asked, “What do you
consider the secret of successful training?” I answer, “Beginning soon enough –
not letting Satan get the advantage of us at the start.” This is the secret of
success. “Well, but,” mothers say, “it is so hard to chastise an infant.” There
is seldom need for chastisement where mothers begin early and wisely. There is
a way of speaking to and handling an infant compatible with the utmost love and
tenderness, which teaches it that mother is not to be trifled with; that,
although she loves and caresses, she is to be obeyed, and will be obeyed; and a
child that is trained in this way, will not, as a rule, attempt to resist. In exceptional
cases it may be tempted to become obstreperous, and the mother must show her
authority.
Take an illustration. We will suppose
your son of six months old is in a fractious mood, and indisposed to take his
morning nap; his nurse has put him in his cot and struggled till she is tired,
and the child is tired too. At last you come and take the baby, after he has
been rolling and tumbling about, and lay him down with a firm hand, saying with
a firm voice, “Baby must lie still, and go to sleep,” putting your hand on him
at the same time to prevent his rising in the cot, or turning over after you
have spoken. Now, if this child has already been trained in this line, he will,
as a natural consequence, lie still and go to sleep; but if he has not been accustomed
to this kind of handling he may perhaps become boisterous, and resist you; if
so, you must persevere. You must on no account give up; no, not if you stop
till night. If he conquers you this time, it will be harder the next, and it
will get more and more difficult. Almost all mothers mistake here; they give up
because they will not inflict on themselves the pain of a struggle, forgetting
that defeat now only ensures endless battles in the future.
Remember, you must conquer in the
first battle, whatever it may be about, or you are undone. “Ah, but what time
and patience this requires!” Yes, but it is only for once or twice, and what is
that compared with the time and toil of conquering further on? But you say, “It
is so hard.” Not half so hard as the other way; for when the child finds the
mother is not to be got over, he will yield as a matter of course. I have
proved it, I think, with some strong willed children as ever came into this
world. I conquered them, six and ten months old, and seldom had to contend with
any direct opposition after. I have a son, who is now preaching the gospel, and
a great joy to my heart. The only decided battle I ever fought with his was at
ten months old. I do not say that he never disobeyed me afterwards – he sometimes
forgot himself, and was disobedient – but I do say that I never remember him
setting his will in direct antagonism to mine in all the succeeding years of
his childhood. It was a painful struggle, that first contest, but has not the
result paid for it a thousand times?
O mothers, if you love your children,
begin early to exact obedience. If chastisement be necessary, inflict it; and
for every pang you suffer, every tear you shed, you shall reap comfort, honor
and glory.
But, perhaps, there are some mothers
who are saying, “Ah, I see it now, but it is too late; my children are too
old,” I say, better late than never. Begin, and do all you can. Perhaps you can
never undo all the mischief, but you may part of it. Call your children around
you; confess your past unfaithfulness in you dealings with them, fall on your
knees before the Lord with them, and tell Him of your failure to train them for
Him, and ask His help to enable you to do it in the future. Begin at once to
exact obedience. Be judicious and forbearing, remembering that your children’s
habits of disobedience are the results of your own folly, and deal as gently as
the case will permit; but, at all costs, secure obedience, and never more allow
your commands to be trifled with. Now is your chance; a few more years, and it
is too late.
Do not be afraid to use your
authority. One would think, to hear some parents talk of their relations with
their children, that they did not possess an iota of God given right over them.
All they dare to do is to reason, to persuade, to coax. There is no command, no
firmness, no decision, no authority, and the child knows it by its instincts,
just as an animal would. Men are much wiser in breaking in and training their
horses than their sons, hence they generally get much better served by the
former than the latter.
What a contrast the conduct and fate
of Eli present in this respect to the conduct of Abraham! “I know him,” said
Jehovah, “that he will command his children and his household after him.” Not
merely remonstrate with and persuade, as Eli did, but “command” – he will use
his authority on God’s side; and, as a consequence, the Lord promised that
“they should keep the way of the Lord.”
Another important point in training a
child in the way it should go is to train it in the practice of truth and
integrity. Human nature is said to go “astray from the birth, speaking lies!”
and, doubtless, untruthfulness is one of the most easily besetting and
prevalent sins of our race. To counteract this tendency, and to establish the
soul in habits of truth and sincerity, must be one of the first objects of
right training. In order to do this, parents should beware of palliating or
excusing the tendency to falsehood in their children. In nothing have I been
more amazed than in this. I have actually seen mothers smile at, and almost
extol, the little artifices of their children in their attempts to deceive
them, and to hide some childish delinquency. No wonder that such parents fail
to inspire their offspring with that wholesome dread of falseness, which is one
of the safeguards to virtue in afterlife.
No mother will succeed in begetting in
her child a greater antipathy towards any sin than she feels for it herself.
Children are the quickest of all analysts; instinctively and quickly they
detect all affectation of goodness. They judge not so much from what we say as
how we feel. Take an illustration. A person calls to see you, whose society
your child knows you neither esteem nor desire, but you are all smiles and
gracious words, as if her visit has given you very great pleasure. What more
effectual lesson could you give your wondering little one in deception and
double dealing than this? And yet how common is this kind of thing in many
households. A child hurts himself against the table the mother strikes it, and
says, “Oh, naughty table! You have hurt baby;” but the child soon learns that
the table was not to blame, and at the same time learns to distrust his mother
who said it was.
Again, Charlie is ill, and it is
needful for him to take a dose of unpleasant medicine; he has been so badly
trained that his mother knows he will not take it if she tells him it is nasty.
So she resorts to stratagem, and tells him that she has got something good, and
thus coaxes him to take it into his mouth, but before it is swallowed he
detects the cheat, and medicine and mother’s veracity are spit out together. In
such ways, how many children are taught deception and untruth; and you may
labor in vain in after years to make them truthful and sincere – the soil has
been spoiled by early abuse.
Mother, if you want your child to be
truthful and sincere, you must not only teach it to be so, you must be so
yourself, and see that you child practices what you teach. You must not wink
at, nor cover up any falseness or deception in him, because he is yours. Sin
should be the more dreaded by you, because you see it in those so dear, and
those for whom you are responsible.
O parents, don’t be deceived; if you
want your children to be the Lord’s when they grow up; if you want your boy to
withstand the unknown temptations of the future – if you want him to come out a
man of righteous principles, integrity and honor – superior to all the
double-ness, chicanery, and deviltry of the world, you must train him to look
upon everything as dross compared with the joy of a pure conscience and God’s
approval. If you want your daughter to be a true woman, willing to sacrifice
and to suffer in the interest of truth, humanity, and honorable ways, you must
inspire her now with a contempt for the baubles for which so many women barter
their lives and their souls – you must teach her that she must live for
Eternity. Day by day, as it flies, you must labor to wake up your children’s
souls to the realization of the fact that they belong to God, and that He has
brought them into the world not to look after their own petty, personal
interests, but to devote themselves to the promotion of His; and that in doing
this, they will find happiness, usefulness, and glory.
CORRESPONDENCE
Dear Brethren: I have been deeply
interested in the perusal of the articles on “The Training of Children,” by “A
Mother.” I have been greatly pained in witnessing the lack of right training of
the young, and desire to express my hearty sympathy with the writer.
The subject has not by any means been
exhausted; and I would like to mention one more fruitful source of failure –
namely, in giving too much importance to these little ones in the presence of
others, making them so prominent on every possible occasion by calling
attention, perhaps, to their supposed precocity or attractive ways. The
wholesome, old-fashioned way of quietness on the part of the child, when guests
were present in a family, is almost obsolete.
May the thoughts presented in these
articles be received as admonitions from the Lord. Surely, every Christian
parent would shrink from contributing to the marks of the last days portrayed
in 2 Timothy Chapter 3. May not these two articles be put into tract form and
scattered broadcast in Christian families wherever a young child is found? I
would gladly help to this end.
Yours in the Lord,
Mrs. –